Hello there! It’s good to be back. I’ve been away from my blog and website for quite some time…mainly because we’ve been dealing with some extra challenging times and transitions in our household (but let’s be totally honest; demand avoidance and ADHD on my part also kept me away).
My son was recently diagnosed with DMDD, in addition to his ADHD, and I’ve been spending lots of time educating myself on symptoms, tools and treatment to manage it. This is how I operate when we have a new hurdle or diagnosis in our household – I hyperfixate and make sure I’m doing everything in my power to support my son and our family. I think it also helps me feel more in control when we are dealing with very out-of-control situations and behaviors. This hyperfixation is definitely one of my ADHD strengths (I’ve been practicing naming and acknowledging my neurodivergent strengths lately), but I digress and will save those thoughts for another post. For those who aren’t familiar with DMDD:
DMDD stands for Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder and is a relatively new diagnosis (just added to the DSM-5 in 2013). It has very high comorbidity with ADHD, ODD, autism, and anxiety. The symptoms include:
- Chronically irritable
- Extreme temper flares and tantrums that are not age/developmentally appropriate
- Overreactivity and out of proportion outbursts
- Verbal rages and/or physical outbursts/aggression
- Mood between outbursts/tantrums is persistently irritable or angry most of the day, almost every day and happens in more than one setting (home, school, friends)
I would venture to guess that anyone who has a child diagnosed with DMDD isn’t surprised when it becomes official since the behaviors have probably been mounting for a very long time (I know we weren’t). Officially, symptoms have to be present for at least a year, and likely longer (though they manifest so differently as they develop, grow and mature). DMDD is not diagnosed before age 6 or after age 10.
With my son, he was an extra cranky toddler with tantrums that seemed very extreme, but I was a first time mom and wrongly assumed that I didn’t know how to “mom” well. I just thought I couldn’t handle being a toddler parent, so it was hard on me emotionally and psychologically. I can remember vividly, even as young as 15 months old, my son would react SO strongly to the word “no”; he’d slam his head full force into the hardwood floors, creating large, disturbing bruises on his forehead. Incredible foreshadowing to the strong reactions we still see to this day at age 6, almost 7. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I was constantly taking him to the pediatrician in his toddler years and to report his intense tantrums, which were dismissed as typical behavior and 3 being a “hard” age. I consider those early years the dark ages.
My child’s general state of being has always skewed toward the negative, despite being well cared for and extra loved. His mind tends to perceive interactions, tones and facial expressions as hostile or threatening even when they aren’t. He’s constantly in fight or flight mode, which must be exhausting (even more so than it is for us, I’m sure). His reactions to disappointments, perceived slights, or when things don’t go as planned are blown up into extreme proportions. Until just recently, he would meltdown and tantrum, and scream verbal assaults and profanities. As of late, he has started hurting me and the dog, or threatening to, and throwing things. He’s getting stronger so there is a real safety concern until we can figure out how to extinguish his aggressive behaviors.
Sadly, our family is back in crisis mode after 2 ½ years of relative calm. Back to having sores on my inner lip from biting it so hard when I don’t know where to direct my frustration; back to arguing with my husband because we are overwhelmed and burned out; back to watching the clock until bedtime so we can have a little reprieve; back to spending all my waking moments on the phone with doctors and clinics to discuss medication changes and adding services and support where we can; back to feeling hopeless and stuck.
Since the last crisis period over two years ago, I have spent an incredible amount of time making sure that my mental health and wellness were in the best position possible to deal with these challenging times: meditation, therapy, quitting alcohol, working out. Even with these tools in place, I’m still struggling…a lot, though I imagine it would be much worse without them. I also know that we’ve been able to pull ourselves out of survival mode before and we’ll be able to do it again – but when? And how?
I’m almost done with The Uncontrollable Child by Mathis Miller, LCSW. I’ve found it extremely validating and helpful so far but will post a follow up review when I’ve finished it completely.